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Am I obliged to report?

by Frank
(British Columbia, Canada)

I married a woman back in 1974, and being rather young and naive, I thought that this was a normal person. We had our first child in 1975 in New Westminster. I got a B.ed from SFU and got a job in Dawson. We moved. In 1976 we had our second girl. We left Dawson due to inappropriate relations my wife was having with a couple of men. We ended up in Edmonton, Alberta, as I got a sales position with some travelling.

I now find out that while on the road, my wife didn't regularly feed the girls. She also told my youngest at the age of 8 that she really didn't want her and was going to have an abortion--my daughter has dealt with this for 20 years and has required psychological help. In addition, I had to physically restrain my ex from beating the hell out of my daughter. I feel absolutely horrible about all of this, and wish I had been able to protect my daughters. When in a highly emotionally charged situation like this, it was difficult to make good decisions and I feel negligent in not stopping the abuse. She actually tried to run me over with her car. I was taught by my parents to keep the family together, and that is one piece of advice that doesn't hold true. Am I obliged to still report this situation?

Regards,
Frank

Reply from Darlene: Excellent question, Frank. Since your daughters are now adults, what you described above falls under the category of "historical child abuse."

In Canada, historical cases of child abuse DO NOT carry the same legal requirement to report as do more current cases, or cases of past abuse on children who are still minors. Indeed, even if you did report the situation to the authorities, very little could be done. It would be up to your daughter(s) to make a report; and again, other than taking the statement and putting it on record, law enforcement officials wouldn't be able to do much.

Cases of historical child abuse seldom make it past the prosecutor's desk, primarily because there usually aren't any witnesses and there is little, if any, physical evidence to support a charge being laid. The historical cases that DO find their way to the courts are generally those with multiple victims, all or most of whom would have made a statement, all or most of whom would be willing to testify—child abuse in the Canadian Residential Schools is a prime example.

Historical physical and emotional child abuse and child neglect in families are nearly impossible to prosecute, since the victims are usually confined to one, maybe two, seldom three or more of the adult children of the immediate family. And although historical sexual child abuse is also very difficult to prosecute, the fact that sex offenders tend to have multiple victims makes sex abuse more prosecutable, but generally only when there are multiple victims who are willing to testify.

I've offered more comments, Frank; but some words of caution first. My comments are definitely NOT intended to beat you up in any way, or to pass along blame. I have the utmost respect for the fact that you have asked the question above and that you provided very personal details of the environment your daughters grew up in, including the emotional turmoil that you are now in. You are obviously a very caring father. Please understand that my additional comments are intended to help you help your daughter; but only if you are emotionally ready to help her. And in helping her, you may well be helping yourself. Read my additional comments below.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are strictly prohibited.

Comments for
Am I obliged to report?

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Jan 20, 2008
 Helping your daughter
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Frank, I don't know what kind of relationship you currently have with this daughter, but if you are on speaking terms, if you do have a communicative relationship with her, you CAN help her through her emotional difficulties. Of course, there is no guarantee, but as her father, I'm sure you would try anything to help her through her pain. Just understand that it will require that you set aside your own pain over this first.

The reason your daughter is having problems is that she is stuck in the emotional mind-set of the little girl she was when she was being abused by her mother. She is dealing with the emotional trauma of the physical abuse, as well as the emotional abuse. She is dealing with issues of trust, betrayal and abandonment. What she needed as a child were a mother and father who would love and nurture and protect her. And when her mother chose to abuse her, she should have had the protection from her father, Frank.

I know you feel terrible about not being there for your daughters when they needed you; and I know you were not there to witness the abuse, but that isn't what your daughter needs to hear from you. What she needs to hear from you is that you SHOULD have been there to protect her. And that you SHOULD have stopped her mother from hurting her. And that you SHOULD have taken her away from such an abusive environment. In other words, the very things you feel terrible about are the very things she needs to hear you tell her. Because you see, Frank, when she was a little girl, she was helpless and needed her daddy to keep her safe from her mother. That's where part of her mind-set is right now.

You could help her immensely if you could open a dialogue with her about what you as her father SHOULD have done. Don't give reasons why you weren't there; save those for when she asks you WHY you weren't there. If and when she does ask this of you; yes, tell her, but make sure to include that those reasons do not change the fact that you SHOULD have known and that you SHOULD have kept her safe. Frank, you said that you were unaware of the abuse your ex inflicted on your girls because you were away travelling a lot during those years, yet you once restrained your ex from "beating the hell" out of your daughter, and you yourself were almost run down by this woman with a car. When your daughter does ask you why, you'll have to be prepared to answer for how it was that you DIDN'T know, especially given these two situations.

One more thing, Frank; don't ask for her forgiveness. I strongly recommend you read my Exchange with Jane page on this site to learn another way. I sincerely hope you and your daughter can heal together.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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