About Me, My Family and My Life - Teenage Years; the Memories I try to hide

by Elaine Riley
(Lancashire, UK)

Strange, this... my teenage years were only a short period of my life, but I remember them as one of the longest! They seemed interminable, dragging on for ever...

Let's be honest, I wanted to get away from home as fast as I could. When every night is "fight night", you would, too!

I think I'd jumped ahead a little bit when I told you about the Goth stuff. That came about really because of the joint pressure of bullying at school, and the "atmosphere" at home. I reckon I was a "late developer". I was so upset when my best friend got a bra at 14, and I didn't. I was still teased as "fried egg tits" and "Kate Bush" (a reference to my pale skinniness, and unruly long hair). My best friend was the school "fat girl", and bullied too, but I stood up for her. She turned out to be one of the worst bullies of all, having hidden years of jealousy, and waiting to unleash it on me, her unwitting, skinnier victim.

This came about in the MOST HIDEOUS way, and is something which to this day I blame myself for. You see, as a result of my own unhappiness, I'd taken to binging and purging; stuffing my face on calorific junk food, then making myself sick. I abused laxatives, too, having "discovered" their wonderful ability to "rid" me of the effects of a particularly gut-busting binge! It was not long before my best friend had joined me in this behaviour, and it felt great to be together with someone in this secret activity. I think she enjoyed the effects of the laxatives even more, and soon became obsessed with diets and calorie-counting. Despite my frequent warnings to her not to go too far, lest we be discovered, she persisted in her binging behaviour. This drew attention to her... and my... yo-yo'ing weight, and we were soon being monitored both by her mother, and staff at school. I hated most being forced to sit on the "Teachers' Table" as they scrutinized what I ate, forcing me to clear my plate. I continued to skip meals at home.

My best friend also became involved in the Goth scene. I think I served as an inducement to many of my more "straight-laced" friends to go "off the rails". Despite never being a popular kid at school, I think I had some sort of "bad girl mystique" which attracted other misfits, and kids with identity crises. Most of these "friendships" were short-lived - kids were either warned off by their parents, or put off by my own erratic behaviour! But my best friend fell out with me over boyfriends. Knowing that if she reported to my parents that I had a boyfriend, she could get me into trouble, this was exactly what she did! My parents, true to form, took her word over mine. They had never been particularly interested in my side of any argument, and weren't about to change. I was given the regulation "good hiding" and then "grounded".

Living with my parents was anything but pleasant at this time, and they certainly did not require any encouragement to view me in a negative light. Strive as I might to achieve at school, my grades were never praised, as my parents would always make comparisons with my cousins, who they saw as better. Life was very much about "why can't you dress more like...", "why can't you look like...", "why can't you be like...". They could always find the example of some perfect child somewhere, who, as far as they were concerned, was everything a parent might want, did everything they were asked, and never "talked back".

I became very frightened to behave as myself, and gradually also confused as to just what I was like, anyway. Most of the time, I just wanted to keep out of my parents' way, and not incite their anger. I felt unattractive and unwanted, and the messages I got seemed to confirm this. I was not good enough! Alone in my room, I spent ages pondering over what it was that I had done wrong, to make people so unhappy with me. At least I could control my food intake, hiding any weight gain, or loss under long, baggy black clothes! I was desperate for attention, and even time spent listening to my mum confiding in me about her own miserable past, and the cause of her illness, was better than nothing. I could do little to gain the attention of my father, save for when I got him mad! Somewhere along the line, I somehow "got used" to all the arguments, the shouting, the rules and punishments. I grew to expect life to be about feeling bad and worthless. I started to believe that I was "good for nothing" and deserved to be hit, shouted at and criticised. I could see little other happening to me while I remained at home.

15 or 16 marked a turning point. I was raped! To avoid being at home, I'd taken to staying with friends, and eventually just staying with anyone I'd met recently at any of the Pubs and Clubs that I visited underage. You see, I told you that living in a tacky seaside resort was significant. It was so easy to get into Bars underage! I smoked at 14, and, well, drink was accessible at home from any age! Hanging out with people older than me, bikers and the like, made me feel "cool". But I guess I was SO naive! And when a guy asked me to his place for "coffee" I believed that was what he meant. Already drunk, I continued drinking at his flat. Anything seemed better than going home; and anyway, it made me feel special and cared about to have men take an interest in me. Besides, my parents already treated me as a slut! Being drunk, I had little power over my actions. I remember very little, other than acute embarrassment at waking up in some guy's bed, and not really knowing where I was!

Some "friends" dabbled in drugs, one even taking an overdose at a party. He'd locked himself in the bathroom, and passed away not long after. I appeared in all the local 'papers. Obviously, I never sought my parents' consolation after this event. Nor after the rape. Nor on the many occasions afterwards, when, feeling worthless, I dated a serious of violent and abusive men. One of these even pushed me headfirst into a parked car, following a jealous outburst outside a Bar. They would flirt in front of me, criticise my weight, and two-time me... but if I even so much as looked at another guy... Most of these men came from troubled backgrounds, and I was often attracted to them through feeling sorry for them. Sometimes, they felt the same towards me. Whatever, it did not make for healthy relationships.

I have been hit by my parents, hit by "boyfriends" and slapped and nipped by my "best friend". Bullying occurred both at home and at school. For most of my teenage years, nowhere seemed a safe haven. But I held onto the fact that, through academic achievement, I might better myself. I attended University in the hope of it making a difference. But, as usual, my parents were in full control. They had dictated my choice of Sixth Form, following major arguments about my having wanted to go instead to a local College (not good enough!). They dictated my choice of Degree, and when I requested to change subject, threatened to disown me. This was something I truly feared, having been told many times before that I could be "sent away" or "kicked out of the house". When my mum had discovered my eating problems, she'd threatened to have me "locked in a Mental Asylum".

The abuse continued on and off throughout University, as I was obliged to come home at Holiday times. I found I could not get on with my father, and still got slapped. My brother, now older, had "problems" of his own - taking "E"s, and self-harming. I blamed myself in part for this, too, wondering if the effects of my arguments with dad were upsetting my brother.

I had a long term relationship at University, falling hopelessly for the guy concerned. Again, he was someone to make me feel special. He was also my one source of support when a very close friend, who I had known from Sixth Form, died tragically of cancer. Once more, my parents were not there to console me, even following the funeral.

Unfortunately, I also fell pregnant in my final year, and, unable to face my parents, decided on a termination. My boyfriend did not wish to be a father, and we parted company, so I felt utterly alone. Despite having tried to keep the matter secret, it was discovered by my mother again going through my private mail. My parents, who had always thought me a "tart" now felt vindicated, their suspicions "confirmed". Nobody thought to ask me how I felt. My decision had been one based solely upon terror - fear of being alone, a single mother and unable to cope, and fear of a further beating by my parents for having "let them down". I'd used contraception, but felt sure my parents would still think matters "my fault".

For years I've lived with this inside, but now it's mostly out. It's a huge relief to see it spread before me, and to know I'm still here. Maybe now, I can finally lay the ghosts to rest, and in doing so, help myself, and others along the way...