A Life Changing Event?

by Elaine Ellis
(Lancashire, UK.)

Hi, everyone! Just got back from a long weekend in London, so a bit tired from travelling...
Anyway, I'm going to come clean about something. Sorry! You may have noticed the upside-down photo in my last submission... O.K. it WAS deliberate. Thanks to the people who commented. Comments were interesting.
You see, I'd wanted to evaluate the matter of FIRST IMPRESSIONS, and how people react to what they see. Most people spotted the obvious. I was upside-down! Perhaps some then went on to ask why; whilst others maybe just dismissed it. What I wonder is this... How many people actually spent time and made the attempt to view the picture from different angles? Perhaps working out what I looked like?
How many people made judgements, and drew conclusions from what they saw?
And therein lies the analogy; and the lesson! Do we simply take a first impression, and make our mind up there and then? Or do we try to look beyond? Do we ask ourselves questions about what we think we see? About why it is as it is?
Now for the link...
Like I said, I've just been to London. It was for one of the first family gatherings I've been to in ages. My mum's side of the family had all decided to meet up; I think because the realisation had dawned that cousins, half-cousins (and more) existed who hadn't met in ages - some hadn't met at all!
It was weird. My family aren't the most comfortable together, and that at times was clear. There was a lot of alcohol circulating, and that certainly didn't help, but I gained an insight into a family full of rifts, of competition, of jealousy and secrets.
On Saturday I met cousins I'd not seen since I was tiny! One is older than me, and four younger. All appeared to share the same sense of discomfort that I did. There was a lot of desperately attempting to make a good first impression! You know the thing...
It went somewhat like...
"Hi. And you are?", said tentatively, with a nervous smile.
"I'm -------. I know, it's weird; I'd never have recognised you. Must have been six when we last met!", said apologetically.
"So, hate to sound ignorant, but what do you do now? Are you married?"
"Gosh, where do I begin? Erm..."
And from there on in, the desperation took hold. There were demonstrations of affluence. The old "I've got a big house/posh car/brainy kids/good job/lots of cash/aged well..." sort of stuff that people always prattle on about when faced with the opportunity to talk about themselves. There was a lot of hushing-up of divorces/illegitimate kids/ill health/failures. A lot of bigging-up of careers/homes/incomes. Showing-off about educational qualifications/holidays/looks/success. Embarrased silences following uncomfortable questions, or slightly over-perceptive comments.
You see, the truth is, that when asked questions about themselves, people are given options:

a. Be honest about who you are/what you do etc.
b. Lie blatantly.
c. Blur the truth a little.
And, sadly, the fact is, that whoever asked the question will never know whether the answer they received was a, b,or c.
Exchanges of conversation rely on certain things happening. They rely on people talking. They rely on the speakers taking in information. They rely on the processing of this information, and its exchange. BUT, they also take certain things for granted. That the exchange is open and honest. That there are no hidden agendas...
In reality, we should all be aware that hidden agendas DO exist. That honesty, integrity and openness are not always adhered-to. That humans, like other animals, have a desire to dominate; to see themselves as superior, as better than others. The animal instinct is for survival of the fittest. Humans have subverted this somewhat. They can no longer (legally) fight things out. So they use somewhat more underhanded, covert tactics. They lie about themselves. They take pleasure in others' failures (schadenfreude). They percieve flaws where they do not exist. They make themselves look, or sound, better than they really are.
ALL are defensive mechanisms. They are a way of putting on a front; a semblance of capability, of success, of dominance. They stem from what is, in essence, fear. Fear that the person standing before them may actually be better, cleverer, prettier, more successful, more highly paid...
This is human nature. Abusers are absolutely no different. They put on this veneer. They want to appear superior. They want to dominate. Because, otherwise...?
Quite simply; remember that first impressions are not always accurate. We will NEVER truly know anyone else. We only see what they wish us to. That is something we all manipulate.
For those of us who have been abused, this is an important lesson to learn. We can control what others see of us. We can therefore be whatever we wish to be. We can present different "faces" to different people.
We must remember that abusers know this. It is the exact same tactic that they have employed. They fear the fact that we could respond in such a way as to alter their perception of us.
We can choose whether to hide, or whether to show, our true self to the world. The decision to reveal our true self is based upon trust. Trust is built via incremental revelation of the truth. Where the reaction to our true self is negative, trust cannot be.
We can take time, to build and to earn trust. Or, we can judge on first impressions alone. First impressions are not always accurate, as I've said. Therein lies the lesson...