I'm so very sorry that your son is having to deal with something so traumatic, and that you are finding yourself in this painful and frustratingly helpless situation. The system is an uncaring one. The system is without emotional attachment. They operate painfully slow, when they actually operate. And while I would love to be able to somehow fix this for you or offer you words of advice, the only thing I can offer is a place to vent and provide encouragement.
You are doing the very best any mother could. You are doing everything right. You are not failing your son; the system is failing him. You can only do what you can do.
Keep fighting for your children. Go through the process that must be gone through in order to gain full custody, if that's what you believe is in the best interest of your boys. Keep your home a safe place for them, a soft place for them to land. As difficult as it may be to do, avoid denigrating your ex in front of your children. If you do, they will think they are flawed and responsible; that is the nature of children. They have a way to turn everything that goes wrong around them into something for which they are to blame. You said exactly the right thing to your son when you told him it wasn't his fault, because that's exactly what he thought: that is WAS his fault, even though it wasn't.
Maintain discipline. Try to keep your routine with the children as normal as possible. Document everything. Stay calm. If you must breakdown, do it outside of the eyes and ears of your boys. And lastly, make sure you have a support system in place for YOU. Find someone you can trust to talk to; someone who can be YOUR soft place to land. This latter point is important, because if you son's see you falling apart without the benefit of support, they will blame themselves. They will tell themselves, "I can't tell Mommy anymore, because it'll be my fault when she starts to cry and gets upset." We know that's not true, but they don't.
Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I do wish you and your sons all the best.
Darlene Barriere Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
